I'm not a great writer...but really, I'm OK with it. And I am not a "current blogger" posting regularly and in a timely fashion. But neither of those are the real reasons for this blog allowing cobwebs to form and the lack of communication on here. I LOVE to communicate and stay connected to family & friends - far and wide. But right now, I am at a loss for what to write - being such a perfectionist, and not knowing what approach to take: light & fluffy, with some humor thrown in? Solemn & reflective? Mocking & sarcastic with a hint of depth? Add in some emotional family events, cultural stress, and a lot of unknowns....it just makes it hard for this momma to figure out what to say. I want to make sure I communicate things clearly, and share my heart too.
The only accurate thing that I can share right now is that our lives are in His hands. We can't control the circumstances, but He is trustworthy. I want to be honest on here, and share the moments when we are content AND the flip side when life feels out of control. Being so far from family also takes its tolls. In any given day, I both love+hate life in this Central Asian metropolis. It's true. :)
I love that life is simple out here. I love cooking from scratch, and being reminded that I don't need more things to make me happy. I love the big, fresh markets and getting out for my daily needs. I love interacting with my neighbors, and feeling part of this Asian community. I love seeing the older generations socialize, exercise, and be involved in raising their grandchild. I love that my kids are getting a different world-view, and growing up in a foreign culture. I love the parks (in summer) and finding a patch of grass in the middle of some concrete. ....but even that was a little sarcastic, hinting at my underlying frustration.
I am tired of language learning. Even after 6 years, I am not fluent or completely comfortable in this culture. I am tired of side-stepping around gross loogies spit onto the street, or to be breathing in smoke fumes in the taxi. Stinky tofu smells wafting into my nostrils make me want to vomit. I am tired of crusty, stiff, stretched-out clothes, hung on my indoor rack. I feel so lonely for deep conversations, a bosom friend, or the freedom of driving a car. And that is barely scratching the surface. It may not help that winter has officially come, and we are headed into 4-5 months of freezing cold weather that brings on a dreary feeling that zaps my joy.
Its really hard to keep the right perspective when people do things that defy my own reason, or break my hygiene comfort-ability. I have a certain patience threshold, and most days I feel like I live right at the tipping point. Maybe this threshold applies to my joy, my ability to have grace, and my ability to love....and is a good indicator that I need to rely more on the One who gives me a higher threshold. He is the ultimate patient One, grace-giver, joy-filler-upper, love-abounder. :) And this is the part of me that wants to justify and share the right things, since I know in my heart what is right and how I "should" respond when I am living fully aligned with Him. Just know that my heart longs to see this place with the right eyes, and be more fully able to love and not judge. But I am weak. So this is good for me to share & vent my frustrations so that you know I struggle and that life is not always peachy.
Eventually, I want to catch up on this blog - and fill in the gaps (mostly for myself), but for now I am going to attempt some current goings-on, so that I don't get overwhelmed and forget it altogether. :) The last few months have been a doozie - so I may not update those for awhile. I am thankful for TODAY. Today I am staying cozy indoors, recovering from a nasty cold-bug, and I might make these granola bars......and sewing advent ornaments for our Jesse tree.